The Big Move ...

527 Miles, 11 hours, and three Venti  Caramel Latte's and I finally made it to Dallas to stay.

What was only supposed to be a one week visit, turned in to two weeks, and then a permanent address change. I came to Texas with one suitcase filled with clothes, my cat Pete, and my computer. I had to borrow a blow dryer, purchase new shoes, and found myself a frequent flyer of the closest Target I could find.

First came the horror of trying to find my way around the Dallas/Fort Worth Metroplex. I was not even prepared for Loop 12 and the impending panic that would set in as the Dallas Skyline got closer and closer when i wasn't supposed to be going in that direction at all. I missed exits, found myself  in the middle of traffic that wouldn't move more then 8 feet in an hour, and ran lights with cameras attached to them. I've been in Dallas a little over 1 year and i'm finally starting to feel like I have a  pretty good handle on getting around without having to ask Siri or GPS to save me from ending up in Oklahoma.

Can we just take a moment to talk about the bugs?  Is Texas some experimental bug testing ground that I wasn't told about? The first horrifying bug I came in contact with is some kind of mutant  cockroach only it's the size of a bird. They are cockroaches who are clearly eating their steroid soaked Wheaties! Not only was I introduced to this monsters by stepping on it, then I found out that they f-l-y! THEY FLY !!!!!!  These things live in the trees and down in the sewers and unlike the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles... they don't save damsels in distress! Quite the opposite in fact... they put this damsel in a lot of distress! YUCK! I wasn't a huge fan of the outdoors to begin with and now i'm perfectly content with never going outside ever again!!! I mean.. Why!?!?!?

I'll be completely honest, I didn't know if I would make it for the first few months after I got here. I've always had some kind of support system, and once I got to Texas that was all gone. All of my friends and family were back in Missouri. I didn't have a friend to have coffee with, i couldn't just pop over to mom's to have dinner because i missed her, and who was going to be my exploring buddy? I cried a lot of tears worried that I wouldn't ever find a new tribe to do life with, but little by little my tribe has started to build itself around me. I've settled in and have found a few good people who I'll cherish for years to come.

It may have taken a year, but I have fallen head over heels in love with Texas and the slow rhythm of the South. I was itching for a change, and it looks like I found just the place for my heart to slow down and rest. They say home is where you're heart is, but I say... Home is where you find the best version of yourself, and that my friends is exactly what I found in the dry heat of Texas.

5 Things To Know Before 35 ....

A few years into my Thirties, I started to become aware of things like building a savings account , what it means to pay for my own health insurance, and the rise in the price of a barrel of crude oil. At 30 life was still pretty easy go lucky, but I was excited about being out of my 20's because now there would be no denying that I was an actual adult.

I have made my way through many kinds of challenges over the past 35 years and I've learned that through all of the storms which have come my way, there are certain things that you can only learn from experiencing them yourself. These are just a few things that I've learned along the way that are worth passing on.

• Life Isn't About Me:

Isn't that the most heartbreaking truth of all time? As much as I love myself, it's most important that I love others more than myself. I can spend all of my money on handbags and shoes, or I can spend my money on clean water for hurricane relief in the Dominican Repulic and sending medical supplies to the Sudan.

It's so important to give freely to those people around you that are less fortunate not just because it's the right thing to do, but because those people are someone's sister, father, aunt, nephew, mother, etc. It's easy to just assume that someone else will do something to make a difference, but it's even easier to offer a hand in love and selflessness. 

• Know Your Deal Breakers:

We've all done it, gotten into and stayed in relationships that we knew wouldn't last forever. How many times have i said something like; "I love him, so I can overlook his spending habits" or "He only says those things when he's drinking."  and how about "She's my best friend, she isn't capable of doing that to me." ? 

Life would have been so much less painful if I had known my deal breakers 5 years ago. I wouldn't have stayed in that relationship as long as I did, I wouldn't have let myself be talked into do things I wasn't comfortable with, and I wouldn't have hurt as many people as I have along the way. It's so important to know how far you are willing to go before you begin a new adventure no matter what it might be or who it might be with. You'll save yourself a lot of heartache and regret in the long run, this is I promise you.

• Budget For Everything:

It wasn't until just a few years ago that I really started keeping track of where my money goes. I soon found out that I had been spending $39.48 per week and $157.92 per month on my venti caramel latte's from Starbucks. I mean sure I was earning free rewards left and right, but seriously.... almost $200 of my hard earned money was going to delicious life giving coffee. 

I sat down one night and went over my bank statement from the prior month and was disgusted with myself at how much money I could have saved if I hadn't spent it frivolously on things I didn't need or even really want. It took about a month, but I was able to set a budget for the next month and allow myself a certain amount extra for coffee's on the go a few mornings each week instead of every day. I also have been able to save money for the future and for trips that I would like to take with my bestie. Budgeting has been one of the best gifts I have given myself and honestly i'm not sure why it took me so long to get on board the budget train.

• Take Care of Yourself:

In March of 2016 I was all set to move to Texas and start a new life with my then Fiance (now husband). Boxes were packed, plans were made, and money was saved; but life had other plans for me. I was diagnosed with Endometrial Cancer and found myself at a cross roads. Go ahead with our plans to move me to Texas and have to start from the scratch finding doctors, or, stay in Missouri and do what needed to be done to take care of myself? 

As much as I hated the choice, I stayed in Missouri for another 3 months to care for myself and get the best possible medical care available to me. At the end of the day if i'm not okay then i'll not be able to take care of my family or responsibilities. It's so important to make the time to take care of yourself Physically, Emotionally, and Mentally. I care for myself by doing yoga twice a week, having coffee on the patio in the mornings, and taking a walk with our dogs in the evening . Find things that are simple and yet they allow you to breathe much needed life amidst what can be a very busy schedule.

• It's OK to say no:

Every Sunday I sit down with my planner and I map out my week. Appointments, events, celebrations, conference calls, and work duties are all color coded and put into their allotted time slots . I know what my week looks like before any additional requests hit my inbox, mailbox, or text messages. I have always been a "yes" girl. I would run myself ragged trying to complete impossible tasks, find impossible answers, and juggle impossible amounts of to-do's. I would eventually complete the task, find the answer, and check off the to-do's; but I wasn't doing any of them well or the best that I could.

In July of 2017 I made the choice to say no to over extending myself. I said no to birthday parties, wedding receptions, concerts, extending my client base, community events, dinners with friends, and other things that are all really great things. The truth is, I was making myself and my family a priority instead of things. I chose to spend a night at home with my husband instead of going to roller coaster park with my closest set of girlfriends. I chose to have a couple of friends over for dinner instead of taking on another client at work. I chose to take a weekend to go see my family in Missouri instead of volunteering my time with a local charity.  What it comes down to are priorities and finding the one or two things that you want to do well and succeed at in the season of life you are in. Say no, I promise that the world isn't going to fall apart!

The Day My World Stood Still ...

You know those days that just seem to never end once the news comes that changes everything?

Yeah.. me too...

It was a cold Missouri evening in March of 2016  when my phone rang. The caller was my OBGYN calling to tell me that the pathology report had come back on the mass that she had found in my uterus... it was exactly what she thought it was... Cancer.  Awesome...

I sat down on the couch next to my mom and just stared off into the empty house while words and phrases like " it's ok, we're going to beat this." came from between her thin lips.  I remember taking a deep breath and silently talking myself out of the impending panic attack.  Cancer... my worst fear in life was coming true and I was so very unprepared.

I spent the next two weeks in and out of doctor appointments. I never in my life imagined myself asking for referrals for a Gynecological Oncologist. I had just turned 34 and gotten engaged to the love of my life and now I was facing this monster inside of my body.

When I finally got in to see the Oncologist I felt like one of those actresses in the scenes where everything is moving in slow motion. I had so many questions and this Doctor held all of the answers to my future. I paid close attention, and answered his questions as honestly as possible. In only a few moments It was decided that I would be going into surgery in 72 hours to have a total hysterectomy and lymphectomy. I left the office feeling resolved... i was going to kick cancer's booty and stay calm while waiting over the weekend.

WRONG!

My mom and I were sitting on the couch the evening before surgery when it hit me that she wasn't handling this as well as I thought she had been. I found myself hugging her tight and reassuring her that I was going to be fine and that not being able to have children of my own was in fact not the worst news i've ever received.

The morning of surgery rolled around, Mom and I checked in , we waited a while.. and then... they called my name. Samantha...... I was up.... I was nervous... scared even! I had never been under sedation for the length of time I was told the procedure would take. My best friend P came in around this point (It's been a while ok ..... my memory is a bit fuzzy). P always brings her A-game! She's fnny, self deprecating, and she love the crap out of me! I needed her to be there and she was! The nice nurse came in, checked my bracelet ... took my vitals... and then came the anti-anxiety meds.... I felt warm and OK for the first time in a few weeks. The Dr came in to make sure I was doing ok and then I was ready.

My sweet mama kissed my forehead and told me that she would be waiting for me when I got out of surgery. That little kiss and simple statement was all the reassurance I needed to settle down and get through the next little while.

The team wheeled me into a cold surgery room with bright lights. They were talking about how surprised they were that the Dr had me scheduled so early in the morning and that he hadn't reported into the surgery prep room yet.  I just really remember looking around and wishing I could have a blanket to warmth. One of the nurses verified my name and birth date, and then came the sleepy
meds..... 5....4....3....2................................................

I woke up in the recovery room cold, and wanting water. It's normal they said to be thirsty and have a scratchy throat after they take the breathing tube out. After about an hour, I was wheeled up to my room, moved to my bed for the next 48 hours, and safe with my mama and best friend by my side!

I have to be honest.... the worst part... was the 8 weeks after surgery. Sure the pain wasn't awesome... but what really got me, was not being able to walk up and down the stairs, not being able to lift things for myself, and not being able to throw the football around with my nephews. Being dependent on people to take care of me was HARD! Having actual limitations was HARD! Letting people love me was HARD!!!

The good news is.... I'm CANCER FREE!

The oddball news is.. i don't feel like a Cancer survivor. I didn't have radiation, or Chemo Therapy like a lot of Cancer survivors do. I didn't lose my hair or spend hours vomiting from the horrible medicine. I just had a little spot on my Uterus that needed to be removed (along with everything else). I know... I know.. Cancer is cancer is cancer... but really....... It just doesn't seem real to me. It's almost as if it was just another day in the life of Sami ..... nothing special or out of the ordinary (except for the whole surgery thing). Totally normal right???? I guess time will tell.

My journey is not everyone's journey... but I'm thankful to have gone through it and to have found the strength in myself, the love of my true friends, the support of my family, and to be reminded every single step of the way.. that God loves me and is so willing to comfort me in the midst of life's storms.

Endometrial Cancer Information:

American Institute For Cancer Research
Mayo Clinic
National Cancer Institute

Breaker Vs. Fixer .......

So I was watching a video blog on YouTube this morning and I was struck when the host of the Vlog said "The person that breaks you doesn't get to be the person to fix you." Can I just get an AMEN!!!

How often have I gone back to the person who wounded me looking for redemption? I've sought out people from my past that I should have left buried deep down in the black hole they created, looking for them to heal the brokenness that they left behind. When they don't fix whatever is broken, it only hurts worse than the original break, leaving me even more devastated then i was before.

Why do I do that to myself? Why do I give them credit they clearly don't deserve? Is it just me, or is it natural to look back through rose colored glasses and think maybe what it was that they did really wasn't as bad as if felt at the time? I mean seriously, he cheated on me, but he said that he loved me and maybe we could try again and this time he'll be faithful .... UGH give yourself a break SJ!

I'm that girl, I hang on to all of the "good" characteristics that I decided they had and give them power to live peacefully in my mind while my heart suffers. NO! NO ! NO! Just when I finally start to move on, when I feel like i'm going to be okay, something happens, and I feel the need to run back and slice into the cut that isn't bleeding anymore. Oh hi ... i'm the girl you loved once .. remember me? Tall, brunette, emotionally traumatized .. you know .. the girl you left bleeding on the side of the road ... oh that's right you didn't care .. that's why I quit you!

Why would I even entertain the idea that they might actually be sorry for whatever it is that they have done? Why do I insist on giving chances to people who have shown me they aren't worthy of my trust? What is it in me that needs to feel like if the pain isn't there, the misery wasn't real, and  the heartbreak never really existed ? Why do I need to claw and scratch at my healing wounds until bleeding all over myself reminds me ?

Just once I would love to feel normal, relatively speaking. I need to shake off the idea of redemption inside toxic relationships. My value has always come from pain, it came from what other people thought about me, how many dates i went on, or how often I caught the attention of the object of my affection. My value being in the hands of someone else really is the last place it should be, but honestly it's the only place that made sense for the longest time.

I'm a smart girl ... didn't someone say that if you want something to change, that you should change your way of approaching the issue? Or something like that? If i'm going to finally get beyond this idea of being broken beyond repair, then it's time to take my broken pieces out of the hands of the person who wielded the hammer. I can do that ... I can be strong and not give into this harmful pattern that I've sold myself on.. Right?

Commitment SJ.... just make the commitment to yourself. Sweet girl you have got to show yourself the Grace that you so freely give to others.

                                                           Until Next Time,

Influenster Bloom Voxbox Review: June 2016

I was so excited when I got the email that said I had been picked for the newest Influenster Bloom Voxbox.

I mean what girl doesn't love to receiving a box of goodies that is full of complimentary products provided for testing purposes... below you'll find an image of the products that were sent to me and my review of them.

If you would like to see my reviews on the products individually please visit my personal Instagram: Samismartipants

Cutex Advanced  Revival Nail Polish Remover Pads:

I was really surprised by how well these worked. The product claimed that it would take only one pad to remove polish from all ten fingers or toes, and this turned out to be true! I found myself at my Fiance's house and needing to remove the polish off of my toes from my latest manicure and because these pads are so portable and convenient, I had them in my handbag and available to save myself from going into public with chipped polish on my toes. This is a product I would absolutely recommend to every single woman who loves to change her polish with the wind! #SoCutex #HealthyNails #Contest



Sunbelt Bakery Oats & Honey Granola Bar:

I've been a huge fan of Sunbelt Bakery Granola Bars for a few years. I usually choose one with chocolate because i'm not a huge fan of Honey, but I have to admit that I was actually a fan of the Oats & Honey bar. This bar was chewy and very moist leaving me very satisfied. With only 12 Calories, 0 grams of Trans fats, this bar is a great snack for the entire family!



Not Your Mother's Plump For Joy Thickening Hair Lifter:

As someone who has to deal with fine limp hair this spray is basically my new best friend! This product gave my hair a lot of volume while strengthening it at the same time. This Salon Formula spray is made in the USA and is not tested on animals which is a huge win in my book. I was super impressed with how luxurious this fragrant spray made this wild mane of mine feel. I highly recommend this to any woman who suffers from hair that could use a little Va-Va-Voom! #Plump4Joy #Contest

Secret Outlast Antiperspirant:

"Odor Protection to Outlast Your Day" is this products tag line. Promising 48 hours of odor protection, this antiperspirant did not disappoint.  I sweat a lot in the summer, so I had my doubts about it lasting through 99 degree Dallas heat or my 102 degree Hot Yoga classes. Surprisingly enough though, this Antiperspirant lived up to it's claims. Not only did I feel fresh all day long because of the fragrance, the odor absorbency blew me away. This is one thing that will be added to my gym bag for sure. #OutlastXtend #Contest


SinfulColors Kylie Jenner Collection Nail Polish:

All i have to say about this product is DO NOT WASTE YOUR MONEY! This polish is very thing and required several coats that did not go on smoothly. Myself along with two other ladies tried our hands with this polish and none of us were impressed.  #SCKJDenim #Contest


NUXE Huile Prodigieuse Multi-Purpose Oil by NUXE:

I can't say enough good things about this product! If you have a dry scalp, dry skin, or itchy sun spots, just apply a tiny drop of this dry oil and watch the healing begin. Made from Macadamia, Hazelnut, Borage, Sweet Almond, Camellia, and St. John's Wort, this oil nourishes, repairs and softens skin and hair. Not only that, but it has a very unique and captivating aroma. Hulie Prodigieuse is France's leading leading beauty oil... Give this a try and you'll soon see why! #NUXEUS #NUXEUATULTA #Contest

Barely Breathing....

Have you ever gotten a piece of news that made time stop and the Earth start to spin in the opposite direction? News that halted all of your current plans and altered your reality? Yeah.. me too... only this time it's me... i'm the bad news.

 Endometrial Cancer are the words that shook me... Talk about playing the ace in your hand right?

For the last few months, I've been in and out of doctor's offices looking for answers to why my body has been so weak and leaving me tired all of the time. Well now I know and it's surely the scariest trial in my life thus far for sure.

I purposely stayed away from google, Facebook conversations, Instagram posts, and talking to anyone that I didn't absolutely have to talk to. I needed to start to digest what this meant for me, for my family, and for my relationship with Mr.McDallas. There really is nothing like a cancer diagnosis to make a girl wish she could seize time and only allow it to crawl along slowly taking in every single detail of the day holding it captive.

Between doctors appointments, exams, procedures, and breathing I began to panic. What if this was THE DEAL-BREAKER!!!???!!! My mind went where it always has... I offered Mr.McDallas a door, I practically pushed him to the exit and said I would understand if he wanted to exit before anything got any worse. I mean... Who was I to ask him to hold my hand through Cancer? WRONG... this man of mine bolted the door shut and took my hand promising to see me through whatever came around the corner no matter how nasty or bad it might be.

Two long weeks after the diagnosis, my OBGYN sent me to see a Gynecological Oncologist. I don't know a lot about physician titles, but I do know that when you are sent to see a specific kind of Oncologist, the situation is either very bad, or it's something tricky enough that only a specialty doc would be able to handle the task ahead.

I met with he Oncologist on a Friday morning in April, and he was wonderful. He listened to me, answered all of my questions, and relieved my mind of all the awful images I had built up for myself and what was to come. I sat with him for about forty-five minutes (which felt like five minutes) and left his office with a plan of action and a surgery date that was only 4 days away.

My weekend was full of planning for the recovery period, making sure laundry was done, changing the cats litter box, cleaning my bedroom, and trying to convince myself that being under anesthesia for up to two hours really wasn't that big of a deal. The longest I had ever been under for a surgery was thirty minutes and that was just four months prior in December.

I've mentioned a few times over the years that I suffer from anxiety, and this situation was giving my anxiety more room to run into the deepest and darkest places in my mind. All of the unknown details were the scariest because I needed to prepare, I needed control so that I would feel safe and not curl into myself. What if the Cancer was further along than they thought it was, what if my Lymph-nodes had been invaded, what if I would have to have Chemotherapy and Radiation?  These questions taunted and tormented me all weekend.

Finally Monday came and I checked into the hospital bright and early. When the buzzer went off, the nurses came to get my family and I just to lead us down two separate halls. Theirs lead to the surgical waiting room, and mine lead to the surgical prep room. After about thirty minutes, my mom and uncle came into my room and waited with me until the meds kicked in and the surgical team came to take me into surgery.

Turns out I was worried about the worst for nothing. The Oncologist preformed a total hysterectomy removing my Uterus, Ovaries, Lymph-nodes, all of the Cancer and there would be no more treatments needed. Just six weeks of recovery and I would be on my way to healthy again. It wasn't easy, and let me just say... that becoming one with the couch is a very real thing!

I'm writing this because I needed to be transparent, and to work some things out for myself. Cancer is SCARY, but through this fiery trial I learned four very important lessons.

1. My man LOVES me beyond anything i'll ever be able to comprehend.
2. It's ok to be afraid as long as I don't shut out the people that love me.
3. I have the most AMAZING family that there ever way.
4. My faith in God and His love for me, pulled me through the most terrifying days of my life.


                                                                 
                                                                  Until next time,

Do I Really Deserve To Be Happy ......

Everyone has that one place in the deep dark corners of our minds .. that place where all of the pain and heartbreak reminds us of how useless we think that really are.

How often do we as women fall into the trap of not feeling worthy of happiness and love? How many times have we stepped into a new relationship  of whatever kind, feeling like there is no way it could ever work out because we are too far gone to be seen as anything that even resembles the person that could be loved for who we really are?

WALLS... Can we just take a second to appreciate the walls that we have built around our hearts and minds to keep ourselves trapped in this bondage of self loathing. We build those walls out of concrete, brick and steel then reinforce them with words like; unlovable, fat, lacking, failure, ugly, stupid.... and if that's not enough let's add into the mixture all of the brokenness from whatever deck of cards life has dealt us.

I can totally relate to feeling like I didn't deserve to be happy. I'm so glad that I don't have to feel that way about myself anymore. When it comes to happiness... none of us really deserve to be any happier than the next gal. I'm not going to give you any psycho-babble about how everyone has their own level of happiness and that we should all be trying to evolve and move into the next level.

The conclusion that I've come to is that I get to choose happiness for myself. I still get caught in the net and struggle when I start to think that because of the things I've done and said that I absolutely do not deserve to be happy. If I wallow in the pit of self doubt I will never live the beautifully adventurous life I am meant to live. 

Life is beautiful and I deserve every drop of it!

Until Next Time,

Guest Post: Nieces Are People Too ......

Dear Mr. McDallas

I am Miss.Mine . Do you remember me? 

If you don't here is a hint "if you  hurt her i'll hurt you." 

I remember you, the milk to my lactose intolerance, the dog to my cat, the rain to my sunny day. 

Mr.Mine and I are not very happy. You where cool at first but then you wanna go stealing my happiness, what are you gonna steal next my dog, my sticker, MY DEAD PLANT. 

Too bad, you can have the dead plant, but only if you give her back.

    

In fact you don't even have to do that because you can come here. Because my Miss.McMissouri IS NOT turning into Mrs.McDallas. You however can turn into Mr.McMissouri. I know she will be happy there and you will be happy but what about us?

    

What about Mr.Mine and I?  

We are not ready to let go of her just yet and less people would be sad if you just came here. I don't want to have to see her leave, especially right now when i need her. Please consider allowing her to stay. and if you can't,.. will you at least hire workers to move Oklahoma somewhere else and put Texas and Missouri together.That way i won't have to feel the pain of seeing my Miss.McMissouri turn into a Mrs.Mcdallas 

                                                                                            Sincerely,

                       

                                                                                          Miss. Mine

Three Weeks & My Mr.McDallas .....

Three weeks with anyone is a long time in Samantha-land.

I've spent the last three weeks, canoodling with the man who has my heart. It started in Texas, back to Missouri, and then back to Texas where I am currently writing from Starbucks at DFW Airport waiting for my plane to come pick me up and take me back to the Show-Me-State.

I don't like long road trips, but it took me a little over 12 hours to get to Mr.McDallas the first trip. I do not like flying, but it's taking a plane and every ounce of willpower in my body to leave my man and go back to Missouri.

I've never in my life gone to such drastic measures to make a man happy, or to be as servant hearted as I am with Mr.McDallas. If  5 years ago, I could have seen who I would be now and how i feel about my relationship, I would've laughed and called myself a sucker.  Somehow along this journey, I fell in love with a man who brings out the absolute best in me.

I know what you're thinking... Every new relationship starts out with sparks and mushy statements ending in grand promises. The truth is, that all relationships do start that way, but after a few weeks or if you're lucky maybe a few months things start to change. Things that were cute become annoying, those shows that you tolerated start to become a burden, and the willingness to sacrifice for your significant other goes to the wayside. Here's the catch, when you find the person that makes you genuinely happy, the sacrificial things that used to be such a huge deal aren't sacrificial at all anymore. This time it's different... The sparks aren't getting less intense, the mushy grand promises are real, and the man behind them is my very best friend.

My man loves talking about cars and I have ZERO interest in what pistons do, how many horses it would take to power the engine of a Pegassi Zentorno , or what Turbo Lag actually means, but I love listening to him talk about those things because he's passionate about them. I'm not much of a gamer and I get crazy motion sick sometimes while watching my man play GTA, but I would rather take a nap on the couch next to him while he's playing a game than be upset because he's choosing to place his attention somewhere other than on me. He likes scary movies and because I can't handle them, he doesn't expect me to watch them even though he likes to poke fun at me. I love being the woman who he allows to care for him, but the morning that he made breakfast for us spoke love and healing into my heart. It's not a sacrifice for me to watch his favorite Netflix shows, or listen to his preferred radio station in the car. It's my very favorite thing to see the smile that curls across his lips when he laughs, honestly i'm not sure there is anything that I wouldn't do if it would make my sweet man laugh.

After three continuous weeks of having Mr.McDallas by my side It hit me that each moment we were together, I fell further and further in love with him. We both had moments of being cranky, but the love we have for each other made it easy to apologize with the sincerest of hearts. I spent a lot of time watching him and paying attention to the small details of what life will be like in our future. I watched as he walked out of the grocery to his car, not just because he has a nice booty, but because I wanted to be able to recall the countenance of his steps when I miss him terribly. We spent a lot of time in the car going from place to place, but that gave me more opportunities to hear him sing a long with the songs he feels connected to. I got to share my love of breweries with him while we walked hand in hand through the Anheuser Busch brewery buildings and learned about the making of Budweiser. Three weeks  breaks down to, Twenty two days, Five hundred twenty-eight hours, Thirty one thousand six hundred eighty minutes , One million nine hundred thousand eight hundred seconds and not during any of those increments of time did I want to leave his side nor did I have any desire to be selfish.

I'm being very intentional in my relationship with Mr.McDallas. It's important to me that he knows how I feel about him, how very secure I am in our relationship, and how much I treasure ever morsel of time I have with him. I have found the man I belong with, the man who God created for me, and the man who I hope will become my husband.

                                                                Until next time,

Music That Gives My Heart It's Beat .....

You know that woman in your life that is ALWAYS listening to music, having dance parties by herself, and some how she can never settle on who her favorite band is....

That's me! Honestly i've tried to narrow down my music flavor a bit, but the truth is that I just can't do it. Sometimes a girl just needs to have an over abundance of Pearl Jam in her life ok!!!???!!!

I've gotten quite a few emails from readers asking me what i'm listening to. So instead of just listing a few songs and calling this post done, I went into my Apple Music playlists and pulled my favorites to share. ENJOY!


*Loyalty Goes a Long Way*

Africa by Toto
Video by India Arie
Mr. Jones by Counting Crows
Run by Snow Patrol
Boxcar Racer by Blue Merle
No Air by Jordan Sparks
Make a Move by Gavin DeGraw
Hotel California by the Eagles
New York State of Mind by Billy Joel
Paralyzer by Finger Eleven
Breakfast at Tiffany's by Deep Blue Something
Don't Worry 'Bout a Thing by Stevie Wonder
Something Like Olivia by John Mayer
Hard To Say I'm Sorry by Chicago
The House of The Rising Son by The Animals
Sittin' On The Dock of the Bay by Otis Redding
Red Red Wine by UB40
Living Years by Mike + The Mechanics
Cocaine by Eric Clapton
White Horse by Laid Back
Walk Like an Egyptian by The Bangles


*Let's Dance About It*

Free Me by Joss Stone
Secrets by Jacob Whitesides
Beggin For Thread by Banks
Sinner by Andy Grammer
Super Bass by Nicki Minaj
Underground by Adam Lambert
Worth It by Fifth Harmony
Wake Me Up by Avicii
King of Anything by Sara Barellis
50 Ways To Say Goodbye by Train
Know Who You Are by Pharrell Williams (Featuring Alicia Keys)
Raise Your Glass by Pink
Geronimo by Sheppard
Little Talks by Of Monsters and Men
Pill N Potions by Nicki Minaj
XO by Beyonce
Sleeping With a Friend by Neon Trees
Riptide by Vance Joy


*Fuel For The Monster*

Wildfire by Ben Rector
One Call Away by Charlie Puth
Let It Go by James Bay
Heartbeat Song by Kelly Clarkson
Stitches by Shawn Mendes
Bad Self Portraits: Lake Street Dive
Umbrella by Train
Halfway Sober by Anarbor
Am I Wrong by Nico & Vinz
Dear Future Husband by Meghan Trainor
I Threw It All Away by Rachael Cantu
Lay Me Down by Sam Smith
Night Owls Early Birds by Foxes
Heartbreak Warfare by John Mayer
Animals by Maroon 5



*Because I Can*

If I Ever Leave This World Alive by Flogging Molly
Here's To Us by Halestorm
Broken Open by Cold War Kids
WarZone by Framing Hanley
Timber by Pitbull
Warrior by Demi Levato
Masterpiece by Jessie J
Battle Scars by Lupe Fiasco & Guy Sebastian
In Your Pocket by Maroon 5
Bitter Sweet Symphony by The Verve
Diamonds by Rihanna
Don't by Ed Sheeran
Boom Clap by Charli XCX
Heavy Is The Head by Zac Brown Band


*Dusty Boots and Quarter Horses*

Heartbeat by Carrie Underwood
Somethin' 'Bout a Trusk by Kip Moore
Gettin' You Home by Chris Young
I Wouldn't Be A Man by Josh Turner
Soldiers & Jesus by James Otto
Pontoon by Little Big Town
I Won't Let Go by Rascal Flatts
Tequila Makes Her Clothes Fall Off by Joe Nichols
Gimmie That Girl by Joe Nichols
The Bottle and Me by Jake Owen
Girl Crush by Little Big Town
A Little Bit Stronger by Sara Evans
I Love This Bar by Toby Keith
Need You Now by Lady Antebellum
Just Got Started Lovin' You by James Otto
Your Man by Josh Turner
What Do You Want by Jerrod Niemann
Drinkin' Bone by Tracy Byrd
It Happens by Sugarland
Wild Ones by Kip Moore
Bless The Broken Road by Rascal Flatts
Don't You Wanna Stay by Jason Aldean
Heart Like Mine by Miranda Lambert
Crazy Girl by Eli Young Band
Dirt Road Anthem by Jason Aldean
Let Me Down Easy by Billy Currington
T-Shirt by Thomas Rhett
Heartbeat by Carrie Underwood
House Party by Sam Hunt
Cowboy Take Me Away by Dixie Chicks
Crash My Party by Luke Bryan
Do You Believe Me Now by Jimmy Wayne
Love Don't Run by Steve Holy
Goodbye In Her Eyes by Zac Brown Band
Gonna by Blake Shelton
Burning House by Cam
Ellsworth by Rascal Flatts
I Love That I Hate You by Kane Brown
Dibs by Kelsea Ballerini
Smoke Break by Carrie Underwood

*Jesus Jams*

Born Again by Third Day
Blameless by Dara Maclean
Start A Fire by Unspoken
We Believe by Newsboys
God's Not Dead by Newsboys
Shelter by Jars of Clay
Like a Lion by Kristian Stanfill
Broken Hallelujah by The Afters
I Am by Crowder
The Words I Would Say by Sidewalk Prophets
Wanted by Dara Maclean
By Your Side by Tenth Avenue North
Kings & Queens by Audio Adrenaline
Believer by Audio Adrenaline
Hello, My Name Is by Matthew West
All The People Said Amen by Matt Maher
Do Something by Matthew West
When The Crazy Kicks In by Francesca Battistelli
When Mercy Found Me by Rhett Walker Band
Your Love Is A Song by Switchfoot
Pray by Sanctus Real
Who You Are by Unspoken
He Is With You by Mandisa
While I'm Waiting by John Waller
Find You On My Knees by Kari Jobe
Oceans by Hillsong United
Come Alive (Dry Bones) by Lauren Daigle
How Can It Be by Lauren Daigle
Power To Redeem by Lauren Daigle
This Is The Stuff by Francesca Battistelli
Drops In The Ocean by Hawk Nelson
Completely by Among The Thirsty
Run Wild by For King and Country
Praise You In This Storm by Casting Crowns
Broken Together by Casting Crowns
Jesus Loves Me by Chris Tomlin
Holy Spirit by Francesca Battistelli
Write Your Story by Francesca Battistelli

Life Interrupted by Mr.McDallas ....

I'll be honest, when Mr. McDallas said he wanted to come visit on his next set of consecutive days off, I honestly didn't think he would show up. In my mind he was taking his southern charm and delicious accent to a whole new level and just telling me whatever he needed to keep my attention. I mean who was I that he should make that kind of time for me?

Much to my surprise, he drove more than nine hours from Texas for a four day visit here in the Show-Me-State. I need to just go ahead and be honest... the idea of him coming here excited me in a brand new to me kind of way. I'm the girl that never brought boyfriends home to meet my family not because I was embarrassed, but because I have purposely kept my emotional and physical worlds completely separate of each other. I've always protected my actual life, from the idea of emotional entanglements beyond my control.

This was different... I couldn't wait for him to pull up outside my house, get out the car and wrap me in his arms. I needed to touch him, to be able to pair my heart to the reality of the man who was turning my world upside down. I had a countdown on my iPhone for crying out loud.

Finally it was right in front of me... the moment I was waiting for... he was standing right in front of me in a Texas Rangers jersey, smile on his face and it hit me... I wasn't apprehensive at all. I should have been nervous, leery, or at the very least cautious. I got the biggest hug of my life, and before i could register what was happening, I found myself inhaling the scent of this man. I had to pry myself away from him after a few minutes, because neither of us wanted to let go. That was definitely new, I normally can't wait to get away from people who are in my personal bubble. This time was different, I felt safe instantly. After what must have been only a few minutes, I grabbed Mr.McDallas by the hand, and pulled him behind me into the house where my people were waiting to meet him.

It never occurred to me that I should keep him separate from my life. I immediately wanted to introduce him to everyone that I could. What this man had done to my heart so quickly was not going unnoticed, but for whatever reason, I didn't feel the need to reinforce walls that I had built around my heart.

Honestly what freaked me out the most, was how serious I was getting about him so quickly.  He wasn't asking me to change my life for him, or to make huge accommodations for his visit. Mr.McDallas wanted to see me in my element, visit the bar that P and I visit to unwind, see my town, check out the places that make me who I am... totally normal requests.

We went downtown for an hour or so and I gave him a glimpse of my favorite hometown bar. I introduced him to the owner, bought him a couple of beers, and could barely take my eyes off of him. The way he looked at me that very first night was disarming. His eyes were curious, and full of warmth. Our conversation was easy and naturally flowing from one topic to the next. The moment came when his hand found the small of my back, my body froze as chills ran from the top of my head down my body and out the ends of my toes. I reacted to his touch the way a girl falling in love for the first time should. Mr.McDallas relaxed me in a way that I hadn't encountered in a very long time. I was comfortable with him, not just talking to him or being near him, but comfortable enough to lay all of my self conscience, natural defenses down at his feet without him even asking me to do so. In that moment, I wanted to be exactly who I needed to be to have this man in my life beyond just this one night.

The next day came, and Mr.McDallas wanted to see St.Louis. He drove, and I navigated through the maze of  I-55, I-270, I-64, and I-44 to get us to the different locations we would visit. I took him to a boutique in one of the malls and treated him to a professional shave by a man who knew his way around a straight razor. Let me just say... HOT HOT HOT! I still say that there is just nothing sexier than watching a man shave... don't judge.. it's just the way it is ok! We had lunch at one of my favorite trendy spots in the area of Washington University and then we made our way downtown.

Since it was his first time in St.Louis, naturally Mr.McDallas wanted to see the Arch. Not only did he was to see it, but he wanted to go to the top in the elevator eggs that should scare even the most brave of men. We parked in a garage, and made our way to the ticket office inside the Federal Courthouse (Dred Scott Trial Courthouse) where he purchased two tickets to the Top of the Arch Experience. There was no backing out now, my nerves kicked in, and without missing a beat the man laced his fingers with mine and pulled me into him. Can we just go ahead and deal with the fact that he saw my distress and didn't even hesitate! HELLO HOLLYWOOD.... THIS IS A REAL MAN! We made it to the top of the Arch after a bit and I'm being 100% honest here when I say that even though I was scared to death, I was able to relax because Mr.McDallas made me feel safe in the middle of my fear. We spent maybe thirty minutes looking down at the downtown St.Louis skyline and the Mississippi River hugging the Illinois/Missouri border. The entire time he was by my side, whether knowingly or not, he comforted the anxiety brewing in my chest. On the way back down to the bottom, I remember just watching him very intently and being completely intoxicated by this beautiful man in front of me. On our two hour drive home, I found myself drinking in the details of the day and wishing for something more to come of this visit.

Over the next 2 days, we went for  a walk along the banks of the Mississippi River, lounged around my house, grilled the most magical of burgers, had a few beers at the local County Fair, and explored a little bit of my town.

On Saturday morning, we both were slow to rise from the nights activities. He wanted to be on the road headed back to Texas by early afternoon, but I couldn't bear to think of Mr.McDallas not being near me. When we finally emerged from our cocoon, we decided that we should find a little mom and pop cafe for brunch before he had to leave. My little college town is only a half an hour from the Illinois/Kentucky State line, and is just across the river from Illinois and since he hadn't been to either neighboring state, we decided to go on a little road trip to find our lunch. We made our way across the Mississippi river into Illinois, and then across the Ohio river crossing into Kentucky. The drive was slow, almost as if time were slowing down and stretching the minutes and seconds so that we wouldn't feel the impending heartache as strongly. We stopped in Kentucky to take in the spot where the Mississippi and the Ohio rivers converge and before I knew it, Mr.McDallas had his arms around my waist and my heart was again overwhelmed with appreciation and love for my man. My heart was so full and all because Mr.McDallas took the time and made the effort to show me exactly how much I meant to him. There are times when his expressions told me everything I needed to know, and there standing on that wooden overlook, in the middle of nowhere Kentucky, the look on his face was an earnest and unshakable gaze of love. We stood there in our little bubble for a few minutes before making our way back to the car and then heading back to my little tiny town.

We stopped at a local restaurant and took our time while ordering.  I soaked up every second I had left with the man sitting across from me. How had I gotten so lucky? I mean this kind of thing doesn't happen to me. I watched as Mr.McDallas ate his food, and i took a mental inventory of every ripple on his bald head, every dimple when he smiled, the curvature of his eyes when he noticed me staring at him. Every single word that rolled off his tongue was precious to me and each break in the sound of his voice was taken into my memory as if it was the last time I would hear his voice. After what must have been an hour, we wrapped up our lunch and made our way back to my house.

I took a deep breath and made a choice to hold myself together. I walked Mr.McDallas into my house to grab his things and with each step I had to fight the tears that i had been holding back all morning telling myself this thing between the two of us was real and worth risking my heart for. He stopped half way down the hall , grabbed my by the hip, and pulled me against his chest for a kiss. This wasn't a run of the mill see you when I see you kiss... it was a please don't forget about me, if you run I'll catch you, it's killing me to leave you kind of kiss. I closed my eyes, leaned into the most delicious kiss of my life and lost all hope of withholding even the slightest pieces of emotions for any longer.

The sweetest man I've ever known was once again standing in front of me only this time, he was leaving. My heart felt like it might break into a million pieces as I watched him drive away. I stood in my driveway yearning for him to turn around and come back for me. Every car on the roads surrounding my house made my heart race in hopeful anticipation that he had changed his mind and was coming back to me. I felt like if I just stayed outside watching for just a little while longer that I could will him back to me, but he never did turn around.

I wish that I could say that after having the most wonderful 4 days with Mr.McDallas that I was graceful about him having to leave, not knowing when I would see him again, but the truth is I turned into a giant pile of mush. I put his hockey jersey on , crawled into my bed wrapped in the blanket that smelled like him, and cried until my eyes were red and puffy. For the first time in a very long time I found myself vulnerable at the hands of another person.

The questions rolled in one after another:

Was he what i needed him to be: Yes
Were we able to connect in person: Yes
Could I be myself with him: Yes
Was he easy to talk to: Yes
Did he make me nervous: No
Did my friends like him: Yes
Was I ever uncomfortable: No
Were there red flags: No
Would I be willing to see him again:Yes
Was he a good man: Yes
Did he make me feel safe: Yes
Could I trust him: Yes
Overall was I happy: Yes
Could I see a future: Yes
Did I really love him: YES
Was he worth investing in even if it would hurt: YES

The more I worked it out with myself, the more I started to understand that he really was the man I wanted in my life. Mr.McDallas had knocked down walls that I had built for keeping my heart safe and the most surprising part, I didn't want to rebuild them. I knew in that moment, sitting next to him in my favorite bar when he put his hand on the small of my back that this man was going to give me a run for my money. I could feel the sincerity in the way he touched me and even though it terrified me, i didn't want him to ever let me go. My body reacted to him without any kind of resistance, my heart felt like it had finally been set free, and the pieces of my broken life were being handed back to me gently and healed completely by my sweet man. This man, this incredibly beautiful man was exactly what I had been searching for and was worth every single gut wrenching heartbreak I had to endure to get me to the place where I would be a single woman who needed to be loved by a man who has the magical qualities of a unicorn, understands what it means to be loved by a wildling woman, and has a serious man crush on Tom Brady.

I love Mr. McDallas and that my friends is all you need to know for now.

Why Dallas Is More About The Journey Than The Destination .....

Have you ever just wanted a fresh start ? I don't mean just a revamping of your wardrobe, I'm talking about throwing everything out the window and starting from scratch!

Recently a friend of mine took an uninvited interest in my love life.. or lack thereof. This friend decided she was not content with me being happily single and carefree, so she passed my phone number unknowingly to a man she thought would make a good match for me.

When he first reached out to me, Mr.McDallas was the last thing I wanted to deal with. I didn't have any interest in a man, or getting tangled up emotionally with anyone. After a few days of conversations I started to pay attention to the things he was saying. I decided to see what kind of depth this guy had before i dismissed him as another guy that i had zero use for. We talked about marriage, failed relationships, children, and race car tracks (which i know nothing about by the way). I found myself at ease with him, maybe because neither of us were interested in a romantic relationship, but mostly because he was just easy to talk to. It wasn't until a lengthy conversation with P, I started to see that he was a man worth investing my time and emotions in.

Mr.McDallas is a Good man who is Funny, Intelligent, Genuine, Kind, Calm, Warm, Mild Mannered, Stable, Witty, A Real Man, Trust Worthy, Level Headed, Charming, Generous, Responsible, Honorable, Emotionally Available, Interesting, Honest, Knowledgeable, Engaging, Loving, Entertaining, Attractive, and 9 hours away. 

What woman in her right mind would try to find fault in any man with those qualities? THIS GIRL! 

I have considered that I might be wrong about all of the qualities that I think he possesses, taken apart pieces of our conversations piece by piece to inspect them for dishonesty, tried my best to push him away and I've come up empty handed every single time.

If I'm being completely honest about how I feel.. I am terrified of the consequences of opening my heart enough to let him creep into the dark corners that I have so cleverly hidden behind reinforced walls of steel.What happens when he see's the pieces of me that aren't put together? Sure he thinks it's cute now that i'm panicking at the idea of someone loving me, but six months in when i'm still panicking, will he still be willing to stand against the storm surge of my heart to tell me that he isn't going anywhere? When I push him to brink of exhaustion, will he quit leaving me alone in a sinking ship. 

This is where things get complicated; I have no desire to run away from Mr. McDallas and the train wreck that could be waiting for me around the corner. The red flags that I usually throw high into the night sky aren't there, I shut the emergency exit doors, and I'm not even trying to convince him that i'm not any good for him.I do however feel like i'm being pulled in the direction of this man who reminds me of a Unicorn: Beautiful, Rare, and Mythical. I don't want to go out with Mr. McDoctor (I'm saving that for another post), I don't want to go to dinner and a movie with the barista at Starbucks, I don't even want to go Bowling with Mr. Long-legs from the Supermarket. I just want to get to know Mr. McDallas in a very slow paced, honest space. He may be 9 hours away, but i'm going to make it a point to tell him how thankful I am to have such a wonderful man in my life.

I'm not saying that I'm planning a white dress affair with Mr. McDallas anytime soon, but I am going to give him a fair shot. No running, No pushing him away, No accepting anything less than his best. Love isn't easy, but it's a journey worth risking life and limb for. Maybe, just maybe Mr. McDallas is what I've been looking for, but have been too afraid to stop and actually pay attention to.

Until next time.

Holding My Tongue....

My parents raised me with the philosophy that I should always think before I speak, and listen before I leap. So with all of the media hype surrounding Mr. Bruce Jenner.... I wanted to take a while to absorb what is being said; while still filtering out how i felt about it before I gave my opinion publicly. Included at the end of this post you will find a link to a list of transgender facts as presented by The Transgender Law and Policy Institute, as well as a link to the Interview Mr. Bruce Jenner gave with Diane Sawyer on an ABC News Special. My intent is not to cause any harm, or to sway anyone's personal opinions.

I've had several requests from readers asking me to give my take on the recent confirmation of Mr. Jenner transitioning to live his life as a woman. If i'm being completely honest, i'm still not sure exactly how much I want or am willing to say about it.

I want to be clear, I do not condone or condemn Mr. Jenner's decision, nor do i support any kind of hateful language being used against him. I also want to be clear that I stand with God and His word throughout everything in my life, not just controversial things.

In the Bible it's very clear about how God feels about men wearing women's clothing, as well as women wearing men's clothing. Deuteronomy 22:5  "A woman must not wear men's clothing, nor a man wear women's clothing, for the Lord your God detests anyone who does this.". In the interest of saving debates, I'm going to assume if you are reading any further, you are a born again Christian who loves Jesus and believes the Bible cover to cover.

I don't believe God looks at women who have a man's sweatshirt on as being in disobedience to this scripture, just as much as I don't believe a man who is joking around and tries on his wife's shoes is disobeying this scripture either. What i do believe, is this is strictly forbidding the willful act of living life as the opposite gender.

I understand Mr. Jenner says he has always felt like a female, he has never identified with the male gender, and he is more comfortable when he is dressed as and living as a woman. I imagine that Mr. Jenner has had a very tough time  hiding his desire to live as a woman for the majority of his life. How uncomfortable he must have been in his own skin surrounded by all of the women in his life, the desire to try on their clothes or wear their jewelry. Jealousy surely was an emotion that slipped through the cracks more then he would have liked. Over the previous 65 years of Mr Jenner's life, Bruce won a gold medal in the decathlon at the 1976 Summer Olympics. starred in several made-for-tv movies, was on the cover of a "Wheaties" box, was invited for dinner at the White House by Presidents Gerald Ford and William Tolbert, was the 140th pick in the NBA Draft by the Kansas City Kings in 1977, had a successful racing career in the 1980's, he married three women, fathered 6 children biologically and helped to raise 4 step children; all while hiding his torturous secret.

In order to accept the change ahead for Mr. Jenner, I would have to accept that he was born the wrong gender. I believe that God does not make mistakes because He is perfect. Deuteronomy 32:4 says of God; "He is the Rock, his works are perfect, and all his ways are just. A faithful God who does no wrong, upright and just is he.".

I can't begin to understand the struggle that Mr. Jenner has endured, nor can I cast any kind of judgement upon him for doing what he thinks is best for himself and his family. I consider his willingness to step out into the world as himself to be very courageous. I wouldn't choose what he is doing for myself, but I will not cast him aside and speak of him with malice either. I do not know the outcome of Mr. Jenner's future, but I wish him well and hope that he is able to find whatever peace and happiness he is looking for.

Until next time...

TLPI: Transgender Issue: Fact Sheet
Bruce Jenner: The Interview A Diane Sawyer Special

Guest Post: 5 Reasons Why Deployments Are Tough

5 REASONS WHY DEPLOYMENTS ARE TOUGH

My husband is deployed. For you non-military people, it means he's gone for months at a time. I won't lie: it's tough. Here are reasons why.

1. Things Break.

The car battery died. The truck battery died. Things stop working in the house. I've had to fix multiple toilets.

2. My daughter only wants her Daddy.

She's a total Daddy's Girl. She loves me, but she prefers her Daddy. She tells me this on multiple occasions. "You're a nice Mommy, but I need my Daddy. No offense." I've found her crying for her Daddy many times.

3. If I get sick, there's no one to help.

I hate when I fall ill when Tom is away. I have to force myself to move it along. I once fell asleep in the middle of reading a story to Natalie. I had an 102 temperature and the next thing I remember was Natalie poking my cheek and going, "Hello? How does this story end?" 

4. I have no one to talk to at night.

Yes, the kids are around, but I like to have adult conversations in the evening. Tom and I usually watch TV together and, you know, converse. I tend to talk to myself more when he's away. 

5. I worry.

Tom isn't exactly in a safe place. Anything can happen. I try not to think about it too much, but it's hard not to when you hear about all the craziness going on Over There. 

Still, when he goes, it means I have a Homecoming to look forward to. 

And that's always an amazing feeling.

For more from this author click here.