So I was watching a video blog on YouTube this morning and I was struck when the host of the Vlog said "The person that breaks you doesn't get to be the person to fix you." Can I just get an AMEN!!!
How often have I gone back to the person who wounded me looking for redemption? I've sought out people from my past that I should have left buried deep down in the black hole they created, looking for them to heal the brokenness that they left behind. When they don't fix whatever is broken, it only hurts worse than the original break, leaving me even more devastated then i was before.
Why do I do that to myself? Why do I give them credit they clearly don't deserve? Is it just me, or is it natural to look back through rose colored glasses and think maybe what it was that they did really wasn't as bad as if felt at the time? I mean seriously, he cheated on me, but he said that he loved me and maybe we could try again and this time he'll be faithful .... UGH give yourself a break SJ!
I'm that girl, I hang on to all of the "good" characteristics that I decided they had and give them power to live peacefully in my mind while my heart suffers. NO! NO ! NO! Just when I finally start to move on, when I feel like i'm going to be okay, something happens, and I feel the need to run back and slice into the cut that isn't bleeding anymore. Oh hi ... i'm the girl you loved once .. remember me? Tall, brunette, emotionally traumatized .. you know .. the girl you left bleeding on the side of the road ... oh that's right you didn't care .. that's why I quit you!
Why would I even entertain the idea that they might actually be sorry for whatever it is that they have done? Why do I insist on giving chances to people who have shown me they aren't worthy of my trust? What is it in me that needs to feel like if the pain isn't there, the misery wasn't real, and the heartbreak never really existed ? Why do I need to claw and scratch at my healing wounds until bleeding all over myself reminds me ?
Just once I would love to feel normal, relatively speaking. I need to shake off the idea of redemption inside toxic relationships. My value has always come from pain, it came from what other people thought about me, how many dates i went on, or how often I caught the attention of the object of my affection. My value being in the hands of someone else really is the last place it should be, but honestly it's the only place that made sense for the longest time.
I'm a smart girl ... didn't someone say that if you want something to change, that you should change your way of approaching the issue? Or something like that? If i'm going to finally get beyond this idea of being broken beyond repair, then it's time to take my broken pieces out of the hands of the person who wielded the hammer. I can do that ... I can be strong and not give into this harmful pattern that I've sold myself on.. Right?
Commitment SJ.... just make the commitment to yourself. Sweet girl you have got to show yourself the Grace that you so freely give to others.
Until Next Time,
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