Why Are You Still Single .......

Have you ever stopped yourself from doing something just because it was the next step?

Yeah, me either! 

In my early twenties, I married a man because I thought it was the next logical step in the progression of our relationship. Neither of us had any idea what we were in for. The first year was easy enough, but it was the next five years that would be the fracturing of brittle bones that broke our marriage. We made it six years, seven if you count the additional year it took to finalize the details of our divorce. Over the following five and a half  years, I would enter into and out of four more relationships. Two of those relationships were serious-ish, one was fun while it lasted, and the fourth was something that I thought would surely kill me when it came crashing down around me. 

Who cares about my relationship history, everyone has one right?!?! That was my thought as well until I sat down and started painting my nails tonight. I started thinking about the trail of wreckage that I've oh so cleverly tried to tell myself were years of character building experiences.

The truth however is much uglier than that simple idea. If I'm being honest, every single relationship I have been in was doomed from the beginning because of dishonesty, insecurity, and selfishness. I've sold myself short, built my expectations unreasonably high, withheld affection,  and waged emotional war. I have tossed aside my feelings because being close to someone scared me straight out of my skin, given my time to a man who was never going to be serious about me, and wrecked my heart because I wanted to be the one who healed his broken heart.

I've been asked a lot recently why I'm not actively dating anyone and the answer is very simple; I need some time to get my head and my heart on the same page, I need to apologize to people that I've hurt. I am allowing the dark broken places in my life to be brought to light so that I can heal and not feel like i'm always going to have to protect myself against the next storm. I am covered in a personal history that tells me to jump into the next thing, but I'm choosing to turn in the direction of doing the hard thing that will make me a better woman in the long run. If my being single for a season leads to forgiveness and healing, I would say that i'm setting myself on solid ground for any future relationship.

So ......  i'm taking an undetermined amount of time off from dating. I'm going to enjoy being single and maybe somewhere down the line, i'll stumble into a future that holds so much promise I won't be able to avoid it.

Until next time,