The Truth Is ....

I let you sink into my veins and I feel the pain as if it were fresh tonight. I've tried everything I can think of to drown you out, but your voice lingers in a place that is deep and unextinguishable. You were the most foul love I've ever been in and yet you hang over me offering a blade that I can't resist.

The thrill I got everytime my name was whispered, the pain that engulfed my soul with every lie that was sold to my heart, they were all the same sensation when I realized that I was bleeding out from the cuts that were being made. The weight that burdens my heart tonight is of the memory of that searing pain. I am pressing into the memory looking for a glimpse of something beautiful, something that will allow me to find healing for this wound. The refuge I thought I was resting in, opened up and swallowed me without so much as a warning sounding out. I couldn't run, couldn't defend myself, couldn't try to find shelter from the storm that was circling around me. The crushing blow turned out not to be the ending of what was once the most beautiful masterpiece of perfectly spun manipulation, but the waves beating the battle worn woman left standing on it's shore.

I am a broken and fragile shell of a woman, surrenderd to the desolation and sadness that holds my head in line with the place the sun used to rise.The drops in the ocean could be counted before I could forget wounds so deep that broken bones cry out for mercy. Sadness seeps in when I least expect it, sadness that suffocates the happiness I am just starting to feel. My body aches to feel alive, and yet it's stifeled by the memory of a time when intemacy was a call to action instead of the reason to hide until the threat of destruction has passed.

Confusion washes over me as if I am expecting something to be different after the time that has passed. I couldn't change any part of this story even though I am desperate to find the ending different somehow. I'm still caught in the net that was cast to catch me, thrashing against the rough hands that hold me in this place against my will. I thought that eventually the sun would come and that I would run to and embrace the warmth on my face, but instead what i've found is bitterly cold darkness in the place that I was promised would always be filled with love and protection.

I surrender to the pain, to the lies, to the heartbreak that has come once again with gale force winds. I've waived the final white flag and in slow motion replay the nights filled with terror and the pleas for something to change, looking for clues to change this story as it unfolds. All there is to be found is nothingness. Ruts that are deeper because of my willingness to replay events over and over again, searching for something that i've missed. Hollow is the word that has replaced hope, dread has taken over the space once occupied by joy, and life changing love no longer exsists as anything outside of a fairytale.