Guest Post - Typhoon P

Have you ever seen the video of a typhoon? I mean it, have you ever watched some idiots youtube video or vine of a typhoon? This thing, first of all they spin the opposite direction of a hurricane, counter clockwise, they generally develop over warm water, and are the "big momma" storms. Typhoons take out everything in their path. That's me. I'm a complete force of nature, if I am angered or provoked in your world, I will destroy it. Only, instead of doing harm to the world around me, I end up just wrecking myself. I came to be and three years later the waves have not subsided and I am still holding on for dear life.

I'm going somewhere with this, I promise.

It's 2011 and I am in love with a man from Australia. We'll call him "Irwin". The only problem is I'm married, and not to Irwin. I'm married to, we'll call him "Neil", a man a teeny little bit older than me. Overbearing mother, catastrophe of a sister and brother, Dad as sweet as a Georgia peach. This is my problem. I am miserable. MISERABLE. My life is the worst life possible, I feel unappreciated, unloved, unwanted and unnecessary to my husband. This Australian is the end all be all, the Alpha and Omega, A to Z, everything. I leave my husband. My security, by budgeter, my personal accountant. I have not paid my own bills in years. I cannot remember how to write a check. But this is a "solid decision." I don't regret leaving "Neil" because I didn't love him. I regret leaving "Neil" because I am a baby bird, barely able to fly, and it's my own dumb idea to leap out of the nest.

Can I just say? I broke my face.

I move into a studio apartment with my best friend, and it's amazing. We live across the street from a bar that I can honestly say got more of my money than Ameren UE ever has. I can stumble home with not a worry in the world! Fast forward three years later. I am filing bankruptcy. I have 30 missed calls a day from collectors. I am living in said best friend's mother's basement. I am a complete and utter failure.

Before I forget the Australian was a complete arse. He had a girlfriend the whole time, he was a catfish. I was robbed of my Thunder from Down Under!

What I've learned the hard way these three years is that you have no idea of what you want until you learn by actually having it. Think about it. How do you know you don't like brussels sprouts? You try them and they feel like tiny soggy cabbages in your mouth. That's disgusting! But you had to try it first, didn't you? How did I learn I wanted a MAN and not a submissive male? I had to have one first. I need a man who will put my butt in a chair and tell me "This is how this is going to work." I want a man who will surprise me, who will propose because it's his idea and not because I told him to. (Yes that actually happened. My proposal from "Neil" is the saddest story you've ever heard.) 

My point is: sometimes you have to learn the hard way. Sometimes the best intentions are rooted on the worst educated guesses. I loved being married. I didn't like being married to him. Here I thought I was done looking. I've been looking since I was a teenager, I'm exhausted. Dear God just drop him at my feet? My best friend says "Dear God, just knock me on my butt and let him be the one that picks me up in front of the cab." Please let me find a man that loves me, that doesn't find me disgusting while my breasts are still above my waistline. That's not too much to ask!

I've learned in my years (and years and YEARS) of solidarity that I want passion and romance. I want surprises. I want effort. Where I'm foggy is age. I'm torn looking at online dating profiles and I find myself asking "Is this too old?" "Is this too young?" "Is this guy being agnostic a deal breaker?" "Is a man with kids out of the question?" Let me just tell you, the peanut gallery has answered resounding "YES!"I have to know what I want before I can go looking for it. 

Do I want to be a mother? Yes.

Do I want to be in a Christian relationship? Yes!

Do I want to be loved by my man the way Jesus loved the church? Absolutely!

Do I want to be the girl that waits to sleep with her man until her wedding night? Yes.

Do I think I'll actually succeed? ERPDERP I hope so. 

I finally have a grasp on what it is I want. Now I just have to get my fickle heart and hormones to stay on track with my brain. I know what I need. I just have to stay off the side streets.

If it doesn't fit in my plan, it needs to go. I have hit the "Erase all Content and Settings" button and I need to not look back. Factory data reset commence, let's try this again. Now, I know what caused all the viruses and pop ups, let's not download that crap again. K? K. #FreshStart #NerdGirl

-P