Broken & Aware ....

I remember standing outside in the middle of a rain storm just screaming out to God because the pain was unbearable. I felt hopeless, like I was in a sinking ship and there wasn’t anyone who knew i was even in the middle of the ocean. I’ve never been the kind of girl to become a puddle in the heat of things, but that day, I lost the will to keep fighting. I dropped to my knees and begged for lighting to strike, for something to take away the pain that was holding me back from being able to be happy again.

I’ve always said that happiness comes to people who make it, but the truth is, that happiness can only exist in the company of honesty. Honesty is one of those things where it’s all or nothing. What’s the point in hiding behind the shade of happiness if it’s not authentic? Many years of my life I did just that, I put on the “everything is ok” face and smiled. I thought that if I told myself that I would be alright, then it was bound to happen eventually.

That reality came crashing down a few months ago, and I broke into  pieces as innumerable as grains of sand. The relief i was searching for wasn’t anywhere in site, I crumbled further and further as the days passed and the pain kept coming in surging waves. I got angry with life, I wanted answers. I needed something to hang on to as the life i knew was changing faster than I could keep up.

I remember my dad telling me that Diamonds are made between a rock and a hard place, and at the time, I didn’t know what he was telling me. I had no idea that years after those words were spoken into my heart, they would come back and give me the strength that I needed to pull through the storm.

I find myself in yet another storm. Strong and intent upon seeing me all alone without a life ring to save me. Tempted by the nature of this pain, so deeply rooted, I begin to turn and look for doors to exit. I am reminded of a Latin quote, that I have written on a torn piece of paper in my handbag :

” Caelum, non animum, mutant, qui trans mare currunt.” - “Those who run off across the sea change their climate but not their mind.”

This is a storm that I know all too well, swimming in doubt, buried by the pain, and unable to see a way out of the fog, i keep treading water and wait for the diamond to catch the glimpse of the sun and shine once more.