Part Of My History ....

Dear Personal History,

It's 4:47 on Wednesday morning, and you linger in the depths of my heart. Sometimes when it's quiet, all the lights are turned out, and I'm all alone with my thoughts, I think about you and the pain that I have endured at your hand. Tonight the question on my mind is, "What if you had never existed in my life" ?

I would have never learned to forgive pain that is unforgivable. You gave me the opportunity to see Jesus as the healer that He is. Because of you and the chaos that you caused, I have experienced complete healing of all of the pain in my life in the forgiveness and sanctification of Jesus Christ.

I would have never learned how strong I really am. Sure I didn't get out of bed for five days, and it's true that my roommate had to bring water and food to my bedside, but I didn't shrivel up and die like you thought that I would. Because of you, I have seen the strength that comes from being inside the fire.

I would have never learned who I could really trust. I know that you thought that you were good and incapable of being the injuring party. I blindly trusted you, even when I knew that I shouldn't. Because of you, I have learned that it really is ok to trust people, but that I shouldn't be so willing to ignore the red flags.

I would have never learned how to love that deeply and completely. We both know that loving another someone more than myself is a difficult thing to do.  You gave me the opportunity to see love in action, and love that failed. No matter how many times you tried to convince me that I wasn't capable of love or being loved, somehow I kept taking the chance. Well it looks like as of yet I've not been able to recuperate from that one epic fail, but, eventually I will and my Prince Charming will sweep me off of my feet and carry me off into Happily Ever After. Because of you, I know how to love someone for who they are and not who they will become.

I would have never felt the pain of a searing loss. Yes death happens to all of us, yes friendships end, and yes relationships come to a screeching halt. In my life this far, both my grandfather and my daddy have been yanked out of my life to quickly and so very unexpectedly. Because of you, I have learned to cherish every moment I am blessed to be given with the people that I love, because tomorrow is not promised.

I would have never learned who I really am. Growing up you told me that I was fat, ugly, stupid, useless, dumb, trash, unwanted, unworthy, and unlovable. My heart was hardened by the calluses that grew thicker as the years passed by. As it turns out, you don't get to define me, that right was never yours in the first place. You were full of lies and just wanted me to hate myself. You succeeded for a while, but you weren't counting on me meeting Jesus. Because of you, I've learned that i'm not anything that you said I was. I am a Princess, beautiful, intelligent, one of a kind, loved, the apple of my Lord's eye, royalty, complete, an ambassador for Christ, salt of the earth, first fruits of His creation, a masterpiece, fearfully and wonderfully made, I am a child of the one and only God in Heaven who is alive and making me more beautiful everyday.

Thank you for for being my very own history full or brokenness, pain, love, suffering, loss , for showing me that I am flawed but still valuable, and most importantly,for teaching me to look to God for my worth and value. Because of you, I have hope in Jesus Christ that one day I will be called back into the arms of my father where my perfection will be complete and you will never be able to hurt me ever again.