I've been really uninspired lately to blog, even on my own blog! I was very excited and still am that Samantha invited me to be a guest blogger. I enjoy reading what she, and the other guest bloggers, have to say.
Things have been crazy busy lately and I haven't had time to dwell on something that is always on my mind. But the other night, when I was feeling miserable with a migraine that kept me up nearly all night, everything came rushing back. From previous posts on this blog, I see that I share a common ground with them... Lack of a father. This post isn't about that, although, I could go on and on about the hurt I have from that and the "IT'S NOT FAIR!" thing... I don't want the readers to get bored with the same topic over and over again.. this will be about my perpetual loneliness and how I've learned to not let it get me down.
For a long time I was so bitter and sad every time I saw a happy couple together. I mean, how HORRID does that make me sound?? "NO, you're not allowed to be happy because I'm not!" And I didn't feel like this all the time. It came in waves. Of course, the waves were close together.
Everyone around me was getting engaged and having babies and there I was in the corner painting my fingernails. LOL. I've been in relationships before, none of them worked out because I had/have my eyes on someone that was unreachable to me. Because of distance and other reasons that should not be a problem in this day and age. Every person I was in a relationship with was measured up against this guy and they just didn't cut it. Which was completely ridiculous because these others were perfectly fine (for the most part!).
The last person (there will be no names mentioned) I was in a relationship with lasted nearly a year and everything was going really well then all of a sudden I was being ignored, treated like something you'd scrape off the bottom of your shoe, and just not treated like I should be treated. It was heart breaking. I did love this person, but after a while I realized that I wasn't IN love with them. I just loved the feeling of being loved. So here I've been (un)happily single for the past year... That ONE perfect man still lingers in my head and my heart but I've been determined to get passed this. My friend Jessica was telling me that I need to actually make it happen with him or move on completely because I've wasted 7 years on this guy. Yes, you read that right... 7 years I've known and grown to love him. He's such a good friend to me that I didn't want to ruin it by giving him an ultimatum... We're hot and cold it seems like. There are times when I think that we are on the same exact page but then something happens and I think otherwise. This guy is a talented, God loving man. He's wonderful and perfect. Minus the fact that he lives in a city that rhymes with Ballas and I live here in Southern Illinois. HOURS apart.
All of my rambling brings me to this ~~~ People keep asking me why I'm single and why I don't get out there and mingle with guys... The answer is simple. I'm not a dater. I've recently had that revelation and that explains a lot. I've had guys ask me out, perfectly nice guys, and I'd politely turn them down. I'm not the type of person to date just because it's the thing to do. If I'm going to be with someone it's going to be because I see a future with them. I also think that's another reason why my previous relationships have failed. I know people that are NEVER single. It's like they don't know how to exist without a significant other. And I know people that casual date more than one person at a time.. I mean honestly... you're not going to get anything meaningful out of that.
I can easily see a future with my friend, so I think that's also a reason that I keep hanging on to him in my heart.
This revelation has also made me realize that I don't have to be lonely. I don't need a guy to make me happy. I have my family, a few friends, my indie polish line - Glimmering Polish, and God. They're all I need. And until the time when something does happen between Ballas guy and myself, or I find someone else that sweeps me off my feet, I'm not going to be sad and bitter about all the happy couples in the world. I'm not going to dwell on loneliness. Honestly, I'm not lonely at all. I think that's just my mind telling me that I'm 27 and single.
~~Thanks, Samantha, for letting me guest post!!!~~
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